Friday, March 13, 2009

* Roller Coaster Ride...

The past month has been a emotional Roller Coaster both physically and mentally. I have had plenty of time to do lots of thinking and questions of "why". Why am I here? Why did I marry so young? Why ,why,why?
I was raised in a very stricted Christian home and I believe God has a plan and a reason for everything and I have been a Christian long enough I know we are not to questions think but trust in God. Boy, is that a hard pill to swallow!!!!!
I have searched my heart and soul....and though I've been told I have no heart or soul, I still have no answers. I've pinched my self many times checking to see if I was in a deep dream. Many times I get in this out of body experience where I think that none of this is real that life is not real, that it is all just a blank, and then reality hits and you snap to realize yes I am here, I hurt, He hurt me, there is cleaning to do, homework to do and the list goes on.
I have made a check to see just when in my 46 almost 47 yrs that I was really happy. Can we be happy? are we suppose to be happy? And I do believe and heard Bro. Cordell preach many, many sermons on Christians are suppose to suffer, but I also believe that Christians deserve and can be happy. Maybe just not here on this earth!!!!!!
We do suffer, and I can tell you ...I HAVE SUFFERED!!!!!!
I have suffered because of bad choices I have made in life, but I do believe that I serve a God who is full of forgiveness and He never looks back. God cradles us in his arms and takes us through the storms, and I have been through many back to back storms.
I can't tell you where I am today in my walk with God, I feel at times I'm lost in a storm with my head bobbing up and down trying to hold on and my vision and main goal to hang on is my children and Gran babies. Yes!!!! They were the happiest times in my life. I know without a doubt that if it wasn't for my kids I would have long been GONE. I watch friends with babies and I think of those happy days, I watched Melo the week she took care of me with the babies and I still long for those days(and yes everyone who is reading this, I'm not crazy enough to have more babies). But I believe we as mothers long to nurture and through this my life has not been ALL bad.
I don't have answers of the path my life took all I do know is I have 5 wonderful children and after the week we have had in the nearby town, I have lots to be thankful for. I do not want my children and Grans to be left with only memories. I just pray for better days and God's will!!!
If God's will is to take me out or to show me how to cope with "THINGS" in my life, please come quickly. I am tired, drained and just wiped out. I am not getting any younger and I long for some happy times, K&K need some happy times.
I thank God each day M,M&M are in happy-stable marriages and I can rest knowing they are on taken care of. I also pray that somehow, someway I can get K&K to this point in life and they will make good choices.
Some people seem to have it all and some of us have to struggle, but I pray that with the help of God "I can make it through the Storm".
Life is short and how we choose to live it is up to us. Holding ill feelings and not being able to forgive and forget only adds hate to a already hate filled world. At this point in my life I must give it all to God. I thought I had but evidently not.
I can not change anyone or anything, but I lay on at Jesus feet!!!! I pray that I can walk away and never look back!!!! And keep my eyes on the cross!!!!
Dear Lord, Help me make it through the Storm and bless this home if it be thy will.

And yes, it is Friday the 13th!!!!!!!!!!!

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1 comment:

Sherrie said...

My sweet friend, God does love you and He does forgive you!!! We would all be in a mess if he didn't!!! I am sorry you are having a hard time. God says, "Be Still and Know that I am God" I know that it is hard to be still in the midst of a storm being thrashed around but He is capable of fighting off this storm for you. Choose to be happy and keep your eyes on him. I am and will always be here for you!! I love you! Sophie loves you!!!!

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