Thursday, June 14, 2012

* Back in the Attic and "Down" on my knees!!!!

 Old Files....


 My 1st friend I had in Dothan... Jackie Massey.....

Yes, I have been back to the Attic, but this time at the office.

I have had one of the worst last 10 days since 2005...The ole saying "skeleton's in your closet"..."Hidden secrets".....Well, like the title of this blog..."Trusting God One Surprise At A Time"....Oh, my!!!!!

In my quest to find some things, we decided that a 10 year clean out of files should be done and in order to do that alot of stuff/junk etc had to be cleaned out. Needless to say the Hell I was mentally going through in my life was becoming very real due to the heat. I spent from 8am until 630pm that night cleaning out old files, many boxes of the kids toys, clothes,pictures, art work, it was a very emotional day and I am only half finished. There is 20 years of memories, some happy and some sad tucked away up there.
I do believe in my journey here on earth God takes us to places to break us, humble us, make us stronger and wiser  before our hearts can start to heal.
Over the past 20 years here in Dothan, I have been down many winding roads and this road I have been traveling for so long has just about broke me.. I feel like I have been stuck in a ditch for quite sometimes. Along my journey I have met many people, some like me and some that seem to have found their way out to Happiness and Sunny days. I believe God allows us to go through and take these paths for many reasons. ( haven't figured mine out yet.
I found my 1st happy times here in Dothan and I found my darkest and saddest ....what have I learned from them?..What did I shred?  
Well, I think to heal and forgive I must 1st forgive myself and bury the past...I know the God I serve forgives and never looks back, so why should I ?  I do believe I have a very forgiving heart and even though at times I felt like I had no more get up and go in me, no more room for hurts and disappointments, I searched a little deeper and there it was.. I have always put my trust in God (not man), I could not go through each day without God to carry me through.
Yesterday I had to leave to very hot attic and work in my office before the heat killed me. I was going through charts throwing away anything 10 years or older, I have been in a very low place in my life the past week searching for answers up to this point lots of anger/hate but not a break down of tears. Over the years I have let my heart become hard and cold to a lot of things and I have ask myself why have you not just broke down yet, I guess you just adapt.
Well I had a lap full of charts throwing out old and deceased, when much to my surprise there in my hands I was looking at a picture of my very 1st friend here in Dothan..Ours boys are 1
month apart in age, they did many of their 1st things together, these were my Happy Times here, so many Happy memories with her. Chance was her 1st, Kyle was my 4th, she suffered from depression and some way, some how we were good for each other. I was the one to get her up each day and get out with boys.. These were great times.. Somewhere around 2011, Charlie ( her husband) was killed driving home from work and that was one of the worst things I had ever had to do,,,to go get her out of bed, knowing she had told me many times she wanted to take her life, to tell her Charlie was gone...her Rock was gone, never to return, leaving her alone with a toddler...her days became even darker, I had to step up and take Chance many days. Time goes on and we moved out of that neighbor hood ( mine and Kyles haven) this place held many good memories for us, memories of the 6 of us, we still kept in touch and still did things together. The boys began school and then another chain of events began with the boys being at different schools and then less you see each other. In 2007, I get to work only to get a call that she was dead, her broken heart had stopped, no good byes, no nothing, it's like a friendship that never got an ending. I have blamed myself for years for moving away and not being there for her 24/7. she needed me and I felt like I could have saved her from herself. Chance was taken by her sweet sister and husband to Baton Rouge and we haven't seen him since the funereal. We do talk on facebook and they are doing great, his mom and dad would be proud of him.. I had and have had many trying dark days and months ago, I don't even remember what or why but I said to Kyle "I just need to delete myself from here" and his words burnt me so bad I have never thought it again,, He said to me.." well, what a selfiess thing to do "..."you don't care enough about us to stay a us" don't you love us and all your kids to live for us?????  "we need a mom"...... well, I had never though of myself as a self centered person until that day and there are still days when I question my self, but out of the mouth of babes, I think of Chance at that young age was left without his mom and dad never to see them again..
Life is full of pain, some of us endure more than others, but yesterday I was able to let go of some of mine, It was like God put Jackies Chart in my hands to break me, I spent quite some time with her chart broken over the past, present and future, I felt some kind of peace, I had my conversation with her, the good bye we never had, some many things we missed together ( yes I know it was just me talking) for the most part it was just me crying,,,crying for things I can't fix and I can't control but I know she was listening and in some kind of way God allowed her to come to me and say, it's going to be okay. She was my Angel yesterday, and un expected Angel that came from no where but brought some peace. I miss my friend, my happy time in life friend, she was my Red Bird on a very cloudy day... It was closure  but a new beginning. I love you Jackie and miss you so very much!!!!!!  I know your arms are around me...whispering  in my ear "it's going to be okay and you will walk through it as long as you keep your eyes on God".
God gives us friends to walk with us through this journey and I am so thankful for all of mine... I was sent a new friend in the past week, a very silent friend and in a very unusual way. One that will probably only be a friend thru emails and prayers, one that was much a enemy before the friend but I know she is there to talk or listen whenever I need her. Sometimes a friend comes through forgiveness and in this old wicked world we need as many friends as we can get.

Back in the Attic and Down on my knees!!!!!!!!    God will bring you to these places and I feel as if I'm living there these days but as long as I don't fall through the Attic I am willing to keep deleting the "PAST".


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